Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dear, Joaquin

Dear, dear, Joaquin Phoenix. Let us gaze gratuitously on this smokey photo of you. There's something to be said about tall, dark and handsome. You have an edge, a mystery, and are devoted to your craft, and completely become that character. Whatever the hell that craft or character is at the moment, apparently. I think I've seen only a few of your movies. I thought you were HOT in all of them. I could be really really shallow and put all of your movies into my Netflix queue, but I won't. Instead, I will be shallow and devote a blog to how scary your appearance has become. It pains me to post this photo of you. But I, too am devoted to my craft du jour. Children, if you see this man, do not be afraid. And do not offer him money. He apparently has enough to build himself an elaborate recording studio for his new....er..career.

I KNOW! WTF?? He doesn't know if he has a look, or if he's going for a look. He just thinks of himself as "having a beard". Such a guy thing to say. "What? What's wrong with my hair? Why would I cut it? Hey, I LIKE the beard! Yeah, I found these sunglasses at a garage sale...cool, huh? (Arches back, scratches round belly) The old lady said her dead husband owned them, along with this read shirt (burp) oooh..man, nachos...sorry...anyway, she said I could have them both for like, two dollars! Sweet, huh?"

OK, I got distracted. Back to the story. If you haven't heard, he's ditching acting for good. His new focus is rapping. He's always loved rap and music. He loves the story telling aspect of rap, the rhyming, and the raw emotion of it. Yeah, but.....you think rap, and you see Tupac (hot!) or Eminem. I'm all confused! He did a little show in Vegas. He fell off the stage at the end. I guess you couldn't really hear him at first, but the little you could hear, he wasn't that bad? What is he going to rap about?? I'm taking this way to hard. It's because I was in love with River Phoenix when I was young. And now we're losing Joaquin! Well, we're not losing an actor, we're gaining a rapper. I'll leave you with a photo of the man underneath the Rick Rubin wanna be look.


MJS said...

MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!

A Fuss said...

That's really funny, because right now I just so happen to be watching Walk the Line. I almost cried when I heard he was quitting acting because I just love him. LOVE HIM.

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