Celia Who?

I decided to research a gluten free lifestyle in the modern way. I sat at Barnes & Noble, skimmed the book, and left without buying it. I think they'd sell a lot more magazines and books if they weren't so lenient. But then they wouldn't sell as much over priced Starbucks, I'm sure.

I sat at my table, speed reading (Yadda yadda yadda. Blah blah blah. Ooo! This looks informative.) and tried not to gag as the Indie suede boot, patchouli wearing college student employee glided past me. With every turn of the page, my dear sweet gut wrenched a little more. (I'm going to assume the whole wheat English Muffin wasn't a great breakfast choice.) The final pierce to my side was when the under tipped cafe worker viciously cried out, "ASIAGO CHEESE PRETZEL!" I almost instinctively raised my hand.

Only a doctor can tell me if I have Celiac's Disease for sure. But "Gluten Free Lifestyle for Dummies!" made me want to cut gluten and wheat out of my diet. Mostly out of my diet. I don't do well with restrictions. But that could just be the denial talking. From now on, I will blame all of my ailments on gluten. Appearing in alphabetical order: Acid Reflux, Acne, Achy joints, ADD, Bloating, Borborygmi (stomach rumbling), Constipation, Coughing, Depression, Dairy Intolerance, Fatigue, Mental fogginess, Migraines, Muscle cramps, Possible Cystic Fibrosis when I was a child, Sinus issues, and Sneezing. I'm also going to go with Keratosis Pilaris. Those red bumby things on my arms and legs.

If I don't lose 20 pounds, feel 10 years younger, and look 5 years younger after doing this, I WILL drink a case of beer. Just sayin'.

It's a Cosmo World After All

I've been in the dregs of Cosmetology School for six months now. Estheticianoloy or something, to be specific. I spend my nights and every other Saturday trying not to let "Cosmo" students see me roll my eyes, or mouth "OH MY GAWD". (I don't try all that hard. Let's be honest.)

There are three specific situations of eye rolling and "oh my gawding" that I'd like to share with you. Two happened today. Blogger Gold.


We had a group of sisters getting facials simultaneously, and the curtain partitions were open between the treatment areas. The Cosmo to my right was giving a hand massage to her guest.
GUEST: (to her sister, my guest) Oooh, I bet your husband would give you a hand massage. Well, he'd probably think it would lead to something else. (giggles)
COSMO: Well, that's not a bad trade off, really.
ME: Eye roll, inwardly screaming, "OHMYGAWD!"
First off, INAPPROPRIATE. Second, UNBALANCED TRADE OFF. She then one-upped herself. God bless her.
COSMO: I'm having a hard time with turning 25. It's like...a quarter of my life is over.
ME: Eye roll, inwardly screaming, "OHMYGAWD!" I leaned down and whispered to my guest, "Sometimes it's really hard working with 19 and 20 year olds."
GUEST: I'll bet!

We then applied make up to all four sisters. Can you guess which ONE sister out of four didn't look like Mary Kay on steroids when they were all finished? HMMMM???? 25% ain't bad, I guess.


Now let's discuss "Creepy-skeezy-body wrap-guy". My male guest was in for the Mud Therapy Body Wrap. He said, "a girl I kinda know, I guess", suggested he do the treatment for his dry skin. I recommended something else, but he wanted to stay on the good side of his "friend"...I guess. I told him to remove his shirt and pants, and leave his shorts on. While (on my knees) applying the mud, he asked me three times if he should remove his (white) boxer shorts. Each time I screamed (in my head) "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, NO!" He just really really did not want them to get dirty. I couldn't give a shit at that point.
GUEST: Will this be relaxing?
ME: (duh) Yeah, I'll dim the lights, and you can take nap. Hopefully no one will come back here. Those 19-20 year old girls can get giggly.
GUEST: (Beavis and Butthead laugh) Really?
ME: (uuuugh) OK, give me a holler if you need anything.
GUEST: Like a drink or something?
ME: Yeah, I'll bring you a straw, or sippy cup. (OR GAG)

I had to end the treatment with applying lotion. COLD lotion. I guess I forgot to warm it up. At the end of our I-so-feel-like-taking-a-shower-now time together, he asked how much a bikini wax was. I have nothing against "Manscaping". I think he'd refuse the cold towels, however. While he was at the counter paying, and not tipping me, a Cosmo walked up and said her boyfriend was canceling his appointment and wouldn't be in that night. He pointed at her and said, "I want her to cut my hair." She's on my list of "Non-Favorites" so I wasn't all that sad for her.

There are three more months of excitement left. Pray for me.

Valentine's Massacre

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I haven't blogged in forever. Get over it. Or, better yet...how about you do something embarassing so I can write about it and make fun of you?! OK..moving on.

After a very full glass of wine, and many Dove chocolates later, I decided to make fun of Martha Stewart. Martha has written up some tips on how to make your Valentine's Day special for that special someone, and she wrapped up delicious chocolates with these tips. I can't help but to read every single one of them. Everytime. And everytime I can't help but to think, "Really? Really, Martha? Is that the best your underpaid minions can come up with?" I'm pretty sure Dove recycles these tips every year. A few sound familiar.

#1) Dry your Valentine roses and make a sachet or potpurri. This little tidbit reminds me of the time I came home on a Valentine's Day and the Ex-Mr. Sarah K had a dozen red roses waiting for me. I laughed. Then I felt bad. Then I instructed him to never, ever spend money on roses during Valentine's week. The prices are jacked up, and the flowers die faster than normal. I wanted to know how much he spent, but I didn't want to know. "A LOT" was the answer. OK, so really, Martha? A sachet? Cuz everyone isn't as crafty as me. And I'm pretty freakin crafty.

#2) Pipe messages with chocolate and a plastic bag with a hole. Where?? On what?? That frozen pizza I just made? A sticky note? The bathroom mirror? My cats can't read, anyway. I'll skip that one.

#3) A wreath form cut like a heart is a V-day decoration in the making. Yes, but who is going to finish it for me?

#4) Insert a toothpick into the base of a tiny rose for garnish. Of what?? That frozen pizza I just made?

#5) Dry strawberries thoroughly before dipping in chocolate. This tip is better for the summer months. When strawberries are ripe and don't cost as much as 3 gallons of gas.

#6) Serve a sugar cube on a rose petal. Cha-right! Who has ROSE PETALS lying around?? I served tea to the Queen last week, and she takes it with 2 lumps, and I was so embarassed to not have rose petals to serve them on. For cryin out loud, Martha. Were you that desperate for one more tip?

In case you are anti-Valentine's Day, feel free to celebrate my half birthday. That's right. Exactly 6 months from February 14th, I will be 29. Again.