Sunday, March 21, 2010

Celia Who?

I decided to research a gluten free lifestyle in the modern way. I sat at Barnes & Noble, skimmed the book, and left without buying it. I think they'd sell a lot more magazines and books if they weren't so lenient. But then they wouldn't sell as much over priced Starbucks, I'm sure.

I sat at my table, speed reading (Yadda yadda yadda. Blah blah blah. Ooo! This looks informative.) and tried not to gag as the Indie suede boot, patchouli wearing college student employee glided past me. With every turn of the page, my dear sweet gut wrenched a little more. (I'm going to assume the whole wheat English Muffin wasn't a great breakfast choice.) The final pierce to my side was when the under tipped cafe worker viciously cried out, "ASIAGO CHEESE PRETZEL!" I almost instinctively raised my hand.

Only a doctor can tell me if I have Celiac's Disease for sure. But "Gluten Free Lifestyle for Dummies!" made me want to cut gluten and wheat out of my diet. Mostly out of my diet. I don't do well with restrictions. But that could just be the denial talking. From now on, I will blame all of my ailments on gluten. Appearing in alphabetical order: Acid Reflux, Acne, Achy joints, ADD, Bloating, Borborygmi (stomach rumbling), Constipation, Coughing, Depression, Dairy Intolerance, Fatigue, Mental fogginess, Migraines, Muscle cramps, Possible Cystic Fibrosis when I was a child, Sinus issues, and Sneezing. I'm also going to go with Keratosis Pilaris. Those red bumby things on my arms and legs.

If I don't lose 20 pounds, feel 10 years younger, and look 5 years younger after doing this, I WILL drink a case of beer. Just sayin'.


MJS said...

You had cystic fibrosis as a child? Isn't that terminal?

There's also an elimination diet that is supposed to help you figure out which specific food allergy/intolerance you might have. But if I remember right it involves eating an ungodly amount of chicken & rice before adding stuff back in. Google it.

Sarah K said...

it's not terminal if it's only possible. i still enjoy a good rib cage thwacking. google it is my answer to everyone. it's the new "whatever".

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

I specifically had gluten free stuff and vegetables for the vegetarians attending my party only to realise that they don't actually care about gluten. Oh well. Good luck with your gluten free diet. Damn gluten causes so much pain! I hear it faked the moon landing.

Scott said...

The first time I read the related ailments/side effects, I read "Bloating" as "Blogging."

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

I can relate to a couple of those symptoms...however, I'm a lot older than you so mine can probably be attributed to...ahem...a significant drop in estrogen. Either that or my enlarged thyroid.

Ivy and Haley said...

Oh dear, I've heard Celiac is so painful. And gluten is in everything. My housemate is a Celiac, but she said that it promoted a much healthier lifestyle for her.

You'll have to start shopping at the health food store (and thus raking out the cash - a chief issue with this country is that healthy food is SO much more expensive than junk food), but I bet you'll feel better after awhile.

Sorry to hear you are going through this! Power to you!


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