Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Valentine's Massacre

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I haven't blogged in forever. Get over it. Or, better yet...how about you do something embarassing so I can write about it and make fun of you?! OK..moving on.

After a very full glass of wine, and many Dove chocolates later, I decided to make fun of Martha Stewart. Martha has written up some tips on how to make your Valentine's Day special for that special someone, and she wrapped up delicious chocolates with these tips. I can't help but to read every single one of them. Everytime. And everytime I can't help but to think, "Really? Really, Martha? Is that the best your underpaid minions can come up with?" I'm pretty sure Dove recycles these tips every year. A few sound familiar.

#1) Dry your Valentine roses and make a sachet or potpurri. This little tidbit reminds me of the time I came home on a Valentine's Day and the Ex-Mr. Sarah K had a dozen red roses waiting for me. I laughed. Then I felt bad. Then I instructed him to never, ever spend money on roses during Valentine's week. The prices are jacked up, and the flowers die faster than normal. I wanted to know how much he spent, but I didn't want to know. "A LOT" was the answer. OK, so really, Martha? A sachet? Cuz everyone isn't as crafty as me. And I'm pretty freakin crafty.

#2) Pipe messages with chocolate and a plastic bag with a hole. Where?? On what?? That frozen pizza I just made? A sticky note? The bathroom mirror? My cats can't read, anyway. I'll skip that one.

#3) A wreath form cut like a heart is a V-day decoration in the making. Yes, but who is going to finish it for me?

#4) Insert a toothpick into the base of a tiny rose for garnish. Of what?? That frozen pizza I just made?

#5) Dry strawberries thoroughly before dipping in chocolate. This tip is better for the summer months. When strawberries are ripe and don't cost as much as 3 gallons of gas.

#6) Serve a sugar cube on a rose petal. Cha-right! Who has ROSE PETALS lying around?? I served tea to the Queen last week, and she takes it with 2 lumps, and I was so embarassed to not have rose petals to serve them on. For cryin out loud, Martha. Were you that desperate for one more tip?

In case you are anti-Valentine's Day, feel free to celebrate my half birthday. That's right. Exactly 6 months from February 14th, I will be 29. Again.

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