Monday, August 3, 2009

Desperate Housewife

My sister has yet to start blogging, despite my encouragements. I think blogging is a great way to share your thoughts and feelings with complete strangers (ie venting)! She chooses to slowly peck away at us with facebook updates, tweets, and emails. Her blog would swing between fresh topics such as: health care reform, stupid husband antics, the benefits of breast feeding for not only women, but also children and society, the frustrations of shopping, creating delicious and nutritious organic meals, how to resist the urge to runaway from pre-hormonal tweener girl and moody young son, current political events, insane mother inlaws, how to be thrifty because your husband is a complete tightwad, and cat poop. Her life is my reminder of why I enjoy being footloose and fancy free (her words, not mine). Here are excerpts from two emails. If I never post again, it's because she has killed me over this. Enjoy! (one of 2 annoying mother in laws gave her a "break" from the kids today)

EMAIL #1: This little girl kitty is a dumb ass. She won't drink water out of the dog's water dish so I set one out for her. She won't drink out of that so she's been drinking out of the fish bowl (because really isn't water full of fish poo tastier than plain tap water?). And then for whatever reason she decided that the cup of water one of the kids had left out was even better. But she got her head stuck in it. TWICE. Ta-da! She may be retarded.

So there I was at Kohl's on the interstate there on the way out of town and it was open for 1 more hour so I stopped to look for a dress for a wedding in a couple weeks and I called you (as you would know if you ever answered your phone ahem). Apparently I am too much of a dumb ass to shop in Kohl's because I couldn't find the dresses. I finally figured out they didn't have one section with just dresses. They were spread all out between chunky, skanky, granny, petite (no dresses there), and too damn young. It blew.

Have to go save the fish from the evil devil cat who is soaking his toes in the water as I type this. I guess that was my break.

EMAIL #2, un-edited: Why did I get these dumb cats?! So the stoopid boy is in the litter box this AM scratching and scratching and scratching and the little airhead is sitting outside waiting for her turn (hellooooo crossing my legs out here) so I pull off the lid of the litter box figuring if I scoop it out maybe he'll just go away so the girl can pee.

Despite about 5 min of scratching, there was a huge turd in there without a single grain of litter on it. I go to try and scoop it so he'll just get the heck out of the box... aaaaaand he steps right on it. Then he shakes off his foot and sprays shit all over the bathroom walls. Just shoot me.

My dumb ass husband (sensing a theme here?) moved the fish bowl last night so it is sitting wedged between the wall of the buffet and a box I have sitting on the buffet. I say to him, "you know the cats can climb that little box and sit on top of it and still get to the fish?" He says, "Oh yeah, I just figure it will slow them down a little. Of course that airhead kitten will probably fall in and drown herself." Which is probably true the way things are going w/these dingbats. So glad I'm "getting a break". Right! I need a break from my house, not my kids! Sheesh!

And my supportive, sisterly response on her facebook wall:

every time you email or call me, you just confirm that your life sucks. imagine how bored you'll be when the kids move out and all the animals are dead.


Cousin B said...

You two kill me, where did you get your creative writing skills?!?!?

Sarah K said...

i sent an email notifying my peeps of the blog. i always title the emails accordingly, and this was "she's so gonna kill me":

She is so going to kill you! Remember that when you think about blogging about me!

Anonymous said...

I absolutely loved it!!!! You rocked it, I can say that because you are not party of my family. Love from a fat girl who loves lemon bars!!

Alix said...

Ohmigawd. That is hilarious, and I so relate. I have cats that do all that stuff.... prefer to drink stagnant water that pools on the porch tile or drink from the rain dripping off palm fronds rather that the communal water bowl. What gives?

And the litterbox? Say no more. Horrifying. Don't get me started on dogs....

I think I love your sister. Already love you.

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

Since my husband doesn't read your blog, I can honestly say husbands are dumb asses. Oh, who am I kidding? I say that on my blog all the time. Now that I think about, my husband probably doesn't read mine either.

MJS said...

This is totally easier than writing my own blog... I have my own little bloggy henchwoman.

Cat is still alive, husband still a tightwad...just hid checkbook. 3-to-1 odds he can't remember where before month is out.

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

I just clicked on that embedded fortune cookie you've got to the side of this blog. It says I "could be a very pretty girl"....

Cats are hilarious. Seen the video of the one who grabs onto the string attached to a fan and get's spun round the room? Poor cat.

Speaking of fish. I had a fish once. It killed itself. It liked to jump you see... so one day it jumped out of the bowl and we didn't know until it was too late. It had done it before, we should've noticed it's suicidal tendencies before it was too late.

Leslie The Pirate said...

Can't beat watching a stupid cat. No need for TV with one of those around.

Nicole said...

I loved it! My neighbor walked by and looked at my like I was on something because I was sitting by myself with the ol laptop laughing like an idiot :)

About Me