And then there were none

Today marked the end of an era. The end of a battle. Our dear, weary mother shipped off child #3 of 3 to college. Her most challenging prodigy to date. Granted, he's only about 5 miles away, but it's still a big deal for those involved. Not for my sister and I. We could care less. But I think someone else is feeling unsure of herself:

"The Eagle has left the nest!" I repeat, "The Eagle has left the nest!" Thus the battle cry went as I drove away from the college this afternoon with mixed emotions. Proud, scared, excited, you name it - I can only imagine how G-man feels. We went to WalMart - thank you SK for directions - only to be shot down by every suggestion I made to him of what he might like to have in his arsenal of goodies to make it through the first 3 days. He did come around as I tempted him with Beef Jerky and Mt. Dew. By the time we made it through the check out, I was $65 poorer - again. I was driving home, about 1/2 down the road when I heard the familiar ring-tone "Hello Motto". It's so nice to know I'm still needed, if only to run over the phone charger and a water bottle. Well, Ron's at work so for now it's just me, the dog and the cat - I think I'll have a little cheese with my whine -

I don't remember her moving my sister into the dorms. She went to school in Missouri, about 5 states away. I'm sure it was tough sending off the first daughter. She was intelligent and self sufficient, and we all knew she'd be OK on her own.

The second daughter had her car packed to roof, eager to go, and really couldn't care less if she said good bye or not. I was too excited to be on my own to have all the pomp and circumstance of hugs and good byes. I was only going to be an hour and a half away. I had a glorious trailer manufactured in the '70's waiting for me. Complete with shag carpet, fake wood paneling, and vinyl flooring on the kitchen countertops and shower walls. I was intelligent, self sufficient, and did most things my way. They hoped for the best. Mom and G-man brought me home 3 days later after I started crying over the washing machine that you hooked up to the kitchen sink started leaking onto the floor. But I have some fond memories of that shitty trailer, now. Over the course of 10 years, I moved back home 3 times. I'm surprised they didn't change the locks.

He's in slight denial about what he'll need or want while living in the dorm. He's also in slight denial about his schedule, location of classes, and generally everything involved with his new college life. When he was about 3, he got his hand stuck in something and started freaking out. I just laughed and said, "Live and learn, live and learn". And that's pretty much all I can say about this new experience as well.

How NOT to spend your birthday

It's that time of year, again. Time to get older. Time to look back on the past year and reflect. Time to look forward to the year ahead. I'm only 34. Not much of a milestone. Next year, however, if I don't accomplish something and feel like I'm living like a real adult, I will be very bummed. People think I look around 27. I think I act like I'm 21 and feel like I'm 54.

I thought I'd treat myself to a nice present. I was going to run around town and change my married last name to my maiden name. It took us 2 years to get divorced, so who cares if it's taken over 6 months to change my last name? Pain in the ass to change your name. It started and ended at a long DMV line. I saw a woman walk into the building, and immediately walk out. A lot of people do that when they see the line. She however, had forgotten her sleeping toddler in her car. I'm sure if it wasn't 90 degrees with 85% humidity, the kid would've survived.

A man eventually came around to ask us why we were in line, to make sure we were in the right line, or to put the lucky ones in a shorter line. "I'm changing my last name." "Did you get married?" he asked. *sigh* Do I tell him "No, the sex change was a success" or "No, I want to make my stripper name legal"? "Divorce" I replied. He asked if I had the stamped paperwork. Paperwork, yes. Stamped? Notarized? Huh? A little while later another woman came around to ask why we were in line. She however was smart enough NOT to ask any questions. I showed her my paperwork, and indeed it was not correct. But I could stay in line and they would help me figure out what I need. Awesome.


The sleeping toddler ahead of me was now awake, and generously expressing everyone's distaste and impatience for the DMV. A girl walked in, and said "I just want to change my name. I have to stand in this line?" The guy behind me was nice enough to answer. "Yep! They've already come around twice to make sure we were in the right line." And in my head I screamed, "YOU'RE WELCOME." So the answer was: "This is just like a receipt. Saying you did it." Yeeaah....so take it!! Nope. Not good enough. So why the hell did the state of Illinois not just give us the notarized paperwork after it was finalized? As if on cue, the toddler acted out my disdain for this man and his bad news.

So, then I did what I always do when the going gets tough: shopping. Mistake #2. I ate a lot a lot of take out Chinese Sunday and Monday due to my school disappointment, and I'm pretty sure the junk I've eaten since then has gone straight to my gut. I needed a sassy new birthday shirt for tonight! One that hasn't been seen and photographed and published on facebook! No go.


Mistake #3: go to WalMart on a Friday afternoon. Apparently half the town took the day off for my birthday. I had just waited in another long line at DQ for a slushie, and realized I couldn't leave it in the car. I was on the phone with Marcy (who also stayed home for today's holiday) and told her "I'm bringing in this slushie. I swear to God, if the elderly greeter tells me I can't bring it into the store, I WILL bodycheck them." Turns out, God was listening. The greeter was in a wheelchair, and even though it was motorized, I was still able to outrun the old bag. It's freakin' HOT today! I wanted my slushie, a new fan, and my old last name back! Is that too much to ask?


Anyway....you all know what I'll be doing tonight and tomorrow:

Walking on Broken Glass

"Sometimes, certain of God's blessings arrive by shattering all the windows" (Brida, Paulo Coehlo)

First off, let's give props to Alex for recommending that I read "Brida". It was really good, and I thank her.

OK, back to me.....I hate listening to my voicemails. "Blah blah blah..call me...." I got an unknown call on Friday at work, and couldn't answer my cellphone. I finally listened to the message on Sunday. It was my cosmetology school telling me I was the only person signed up for night Esthetician classes that were starting on September 8. So my options are to go days, full time, or wait until March when the next classes will start. I sobbed and sobbed. All day. I had just bought school supplies. This is something I have been looking forward to, something to make my meaningless job less annoying, something to accomplish, something new that would give me a happier future. Pulled out from under me. I have been in a funk for 3 weeks, and this was the icing on the 3rd week.

"It's probably a good thing," I told myself an hour later, while in the drive thru, waiting for my Chinese comfort food. I would have had simultaneous car payments and school payments for a few months, and I haven't been so great at saving money. Do I want to hear other people say that? No. No one likes sage advice when they feel like crap. But thanks anyway, Mom. No, we want empathy, and have our feelings acknowledged. We want you to listen, say you feel bad for us, and leave it at that. (Or if you are Nicole, get really angry, and plot revenge. I thank you for that.) Not ignore what we say, or go on about how great your day is going. Selfish of me? Maybe. But when someone is hurting, they should be allowed such feelings for a time. Some people aren't equipped to deal with other people's emotions, though. Selfish of them? Maybe.

I don't really know what to do at this point. I guess I have to wait until March, and hope for the best. Right now it really stings.

Desperate Housewife

My sister has yet to start blogging, despite my encouragements. I think blogging is a great way to share your thoughts and feelings with complete strangers (ie venting)! She chooses to slowly peck away at us with facebook updates, tweets, and emails. Her blog would swing between fresh topics such as: health care reform, stupid husband antics, the benefits of breast feeding for not only women, but also children and society, the frustrations of shopping, creating delicious and nutritious organic meals, how to resist the urge to runaway from pre-hormonal tweener girl and moody young son, current political events, insane mother inlaws, how to be thrifty because your husband is a complete tightwad, and cat poop. Her life is my reminder of why I enjoy being footloose and fancy free (her words, not mine). Here are excerpts from two emails. If I never post again, it's because she has killed me over this. Enjoy! (one of 2 annoying mother in laws gave her a "break" from the kids today)

EMAIL #1: This little girl kitty is a dumb ass. She won't drink water out of the dog's water dish so I set one out for her. She won't drink out of that so she's been drinking out of the fish bowl (because really isn't water full of fish poo tastier than plain tap water?). And then for whatever reason she decided that the cup of water one of the kids had left out was even better. But she got her head stuck in it. TWICE. Ta-da! She may be retarded.

So there I was at Kohl's on the interstate there on the way out of town and it was open for 1 more hour so I stopped to look for a dress for a wedding in a couple weeks and I called you (as you would know if you ever answered your phone ahem). Apparently I am too much of a dumb ass to shop in Kohl's because I couldn't find the dresses. I finally figured out they didn't have one section with just dresses. They were spread all out between chunky, skanky, granny, petite (no dresses there), and too damn young. It blew.

Have to go save the fish from the evil devil cat who is soaking his toes in the water as I type this. I guess that was my break.

EMAIL #2, un-edited: Why did I get these dumb cats?! So the stoopid boy is in the litter box this AM scratching and scratching and scratching and the little airhead is sitting outside waiting for her turn (hellooooo crossing my legs out here) so I pull off the lid of the litter box figuring if I scoop it out maybe he'll just go away so the girl can pee.

Despite about 5 min of scratching, there was a huge turd in there without a single grain of litter on it. I go to try and scoop it so he'll just get the heck out of the box... aaaaaand he steps right on it. Then he shakes off his foot and sprays shit all over the bathroom walls. Just shoot me.

My dumb ass husband (sensing a theme here?) moved the fish bowl last night so it is sitting wedged between the wall of the buffet and a box I have sitting on the buffet. I say to him, "you know the cats can climb that little box and sit on top of it and still get to the fish?" He says, "Oh yeah, I just figure it will slow them down a little. Of course that airhead kitten will probably fall in and drown herself." Which is probably true the way things are going w/these dingbats. So glad I'm "getting a break". Right! I need a break from my house, not my kids! Sheesh!

And my supportive, sisterly response on her facebook wall:

every time you email or call me, you just confirm that your life sucks. imagine how bored you'll be when the kids move out and all the animals are dead.